Non-Violent Communication

August 4, 2013

http://kidgreen-donna.blogspot.com

Several years ago, I was having difficulties meeting the needs of a parent of one of my students. My stress level was very high at the time as I was supervising 23 students with Autism, or communication disorders. Also, I had the responsibility of supervising 13 teaching assistants, several therapists and may student teacher aids.

This one particular student was one of the higher functioning students and was capable of attending most of the regular education classes with minimal assistance. We initially put him in regular classes, with a group of other students and one teaching assistant for the group of 5 students. The parent was not happy with this scenario. He wanted his child to have their own personal assistant whilst in the regular classroom. The initial meeting became very heated as he told me his son deserved his own assistant. I defensively agreed that he did, but so did the rest of the students, but funding would not allow it. I proceeded to let him know we had non-verbal students with much higher needs that required the few one-on-one assistants we had. Certainly, I was not using the best communicative skills I could have used to show respect and responsiveness in a positive manner. In turn, it only made the parent more defensive and angry. At one point, he should up and took a swing with his fist across the table where I was sitting. Needless to say, the meeting ended promptly with the police being called.

During the second meeting, with administrators  and our security officer present, I used non-violent communication and the 3R's. We agreed to provide a one-on-one TA for two of his most difficult classes. There was just too many other students to allow him his own TA for the entire day. The parent was not happy with this solution, but agreed to try in on a trial basis of one month. Using a less violent form of communication, we were able to agree on a temporary solution.

Eventually, the father demanded the State Department of Special Education become involved and also hired a lawyer. Throughout most of the meetings we had, the father would scream and kick and pound on the desk. However, I noticed that the others involved in the meeting remained neutral, listened intently to his concerns, acknowledged his concerns, and then offered suggestions for resolving some of the issues. During one meeting, the Principal told the father that we would not continue the meeting unless the father was able to give those involved in the meeting the same respect they were giving him. The father immediately sat down and seem to compose himself in a more relaxed manner.

 

By the end of that very long school year, the father and I were communicating in respectful ways towards each other. He complimented me on his son's progress. In turn, I complimented him on what a supportive parent he was. His son remained in my program until he moved up to the High School

Over the course of that school year, I learned several communication strategies that I have continued to use during both my professional and personal life. 

Strategy one: Remain calm, even when those around you are screaming and accusing. Tell them in a calm and passive voice to please give you the respect you are giving them, so that we can all work out a solution to this problem.

Strategy two- Don't get defensive. The one you are communicating with does not want to hear what others need, or don't have. At that moment, they are only concerned with their specific issue. Create an environment where you show you are listening and really care about the person's concerns. In turn, this will typically ease some of the tension and provide an opportunity for a solution to be found.

Strategy three- Use NVC and the 3R's in order to build a cooperative relationship with those around you. When you are dealing with difficult situations, or people developing a trusting relationship can take time. However, if you are consistently using these strategies, eventually a positive relationship or solution to the problem can be found.